i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
