People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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