I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
