I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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