Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
