I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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