you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
