I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
