i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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