Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
