Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
