Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
