masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
