my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
