I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
