Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
