No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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