This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
