she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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