your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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