Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
