Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
