Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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