How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
