You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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