Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
So apparently I’m into choking now
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