All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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