Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
