you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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