he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
splinters make it hard to masturbate
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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