drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
