You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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