I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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