Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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