i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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