You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
