i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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