I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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