My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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