you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
