i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
