Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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