Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize