I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
