cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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