I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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