He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
A+ Viking dick
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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