I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
