ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
