And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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