Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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