Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
