Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
