i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
