I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
